What does this graphic tell you? Three simple things:
1. Large is fancy as fuck. I have never heard of Szechuan string beans nor would I ever dream of ordering something green when getting Chinese food. But that’s our Large.
2. That Clem fella believes in playing nothing but the hits nothing but the hits nothing but the motherfucking hits. You know why? Because the hits are the hits because they are the best. Clem rules just like his order.
3. Joey Langone is an animal. He chose what is essentially a combo soup, went with a beef meal on a chicken dominated menu, and dared to dip his toe into the Wonton Don’s world. Fuck Joey Langon (JK, that’s a perfectly fine order by a perfectly fine gentleman. But don’t tell him I called him that).
There are a few other simple truths when it comes to Chinese food:
– The smell of Chinese food in the car is the best smell you can get from takeout food. It doesn’t even matter what you order. As long as it’s Chinese food, it’s going to smell delicious. How there isn’t a full market of Chinese Food car fresheners is beyond me.
– I personally always prefer a legit Chinese restaurant to a divey Chinese place with the picture menu on the wall. But there is something special about knowing you are getting a TON of food with a decent floor for a comically low price no matter which state you are in.
– Fried rice vs. Lo mein is maybe the greatest rivalry in the history of food. They are essentially the Sub Zero and Scorpion of the Chinese menu. Forever fighting due to their similarities as well as their differences. Damn, that was deep enough to go into a fortune cookie. Let’s loosen things up with that blood dagger from the new Mortal Kombat movie, which sounds like it was the highlight of the entire flick.
– Speaking of fortune cookies, it’s incredibly underrated that you not only get your own free dessert with every Chinese order but also a potential million dollar shred of paper.
Now THAT’S what’s snappening!
– If you go to a legit Chinese restaurant and there is a horde of gigantic fish in a tank way too small for them, the food is elite.
– If you go to any sort of Chinese restaurant and have one of these waving cats, you will have my dumb ass staring at it for no less than five minutes.
– Any place that has the extra big fried wonton noodles goes up a full letter grade in my mind instantly.
– There are better foods on the menu, but the Pupu Platter is the greatest name in culinary history
– Not to step on Frank The Tank’s corner, but Chinese food truly does pair best with a fruit flavored soda. Preferably orange or grape. That man may be completely irrational as a baseball fan, but his carbonated beverage takes are exquisite.
– The pizza box may be the gold standard for food packaging in this country, but you truly cannot beat the Chinese carton since no space is wasted unlike the square box used to transport a round pie. Regardless of your rankings between these two titans in the food game, we can agree that they are on a tier all to themselves when it comes to takeout containers, to the point that they are staples for every movie trope where a guy is down bad and consuming copious amounts of food to go with is likely a fair amount of booze.
You know what? That last point felt like a shot at pizza, which is something I promised myself I would never do. Plus I’m getting hungry for lunch, which is almost definitely going to be Chinese food now.
Let’s move on and make sure to put your go-to Chinese order in the comments so we can judge you.
Also on the podcast:
– New York City kids are losing their snow days, which will be turned into remote learning days
– A woman that snuck into a Miami high school to try to recruit followers for her Instagram
– Mailbag questions including if you have to wipe the tip of your son’s penis after they pee
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